I wish I had known about blogging back in 2006. I probably would have posted entries just about every day about my experience dealing with my loss. Writing was a healing tool for me. It brought out the emotions and also brought comfort. I actually emailed Dave thru his email address which I kept because it was my way of continuing to communicate to him. It was also my way of keeping a journal of my journey through grief. Besides emailing Dave I also wrote a few poems. The Maui Weekly had posted a poetry contest in 2007 for Valentine’s Day. Since I love contests and I had already written a few poems, I decided to enter one about Dave. It was titled, “What is a Soul Mate?”. I didn’t win, but was a runner up and was thrilled with that! Also being able to express my feelings through this poem was very beneficial to my healing process. I’d like to share it once again…..
I remember that at the time, Valentine’s Day 2007, I thought about how lucky I had been to have found my soul mate in Dave and lived 11 wonderful years together. Most people never get to experience being that close and connected with someone. Once he had passed on, I thought about the possibility that this was going to be my life for the rest of my life. Widowed and single. And I was completely okay with that…in fact I didn’t feel the need or even want to become involved with anyone else. I had met my soul mate and that’s it…the end. Besides there so much more to life…..
I had mentioned to friends that IF I had met someone, they would have to be super special! I would be insanely picky because of what I had with Dave and because I still had Sierra to consider. She had to like him too! This guy would have to accept the fact that Dave would always be a part of our lives; that Sierra and I continue to celebrate special occasions related to Dave. He would have to be okay with the fact that we still speak about Dave on a regular basis and the memories are very important to us. This guy would have to be extremely understanding, selfless, emotionally secure and many other things on my lengthy list. There is NO WAY this guy exists on this planet. And….I’m totally fine with that.
But then I learned that he does exist.
"Love Happens"
Fast forward to Valentine’s Day 2012. Five years after I first posted my poem, “What is a Soul Mate”, the holiday of love and romance has come around once again and has made me realize that maybe it is possible to have an amazing connection with someone else.
If Dave and Brad had met, I know they would have been the best of buddies. They have many things in common, but also many differences. And that makes it perfect. Somehow I feel like Dave had something to do with Brad and I connecting through a pink Dahlia flower. But that’s another story 🙂
I’d like to share the Valentine’s video surprise Brad had planned for me. It completely blew me away! I am a lucky girl. Sierra is too. Dave was the ultimate love and support, our favorite guy. And now we have found another…..
January 30, 1999 was the day Dave and I were married. We both decided to keep it very small and intimate and we had the ceremony and reception at the Kealani Hotel, in Wailea, Maui. We had been married for 7 years before Dave died in 2006.
The crazy thing…. is that in the 7 years after our wedding we never once remembered to celebrate our anniversary! Not once! Not even the 1st anniversary! We both completely spaced it and remembered, I think, the following week. We had even kept a little of our wedding cake in the freezer to save for a bite on our 1st anniversary. However, I don’t think we ate it because it was freezer-burned! LOL! Every year after that, we were always so busy! In addition,with it being in January, with the hustle and bustle of the holidays, Dave’s birthday being in the same month, and then having our daughter Sierra in late 2000….all caused us to forget our special day, January 30.
And oh, the irony of how things work sometimes. Now that Dave is no longer here in person to wish a Happy Anniversary…I have NOT forgotten January 30th. I remember every year now. And today is no exception. Happy Anniversary Dave. I’ll be seeing you…..
To those who read this….remember to celebrate every occasion, celebrate every day, because…..you can.
Through my mom and her generous ways, I have learned that it’s better to give than to receive. This is what I am hoping to pass on to Sierra. No matter what our situation, there’s always someone that is struggling more. It’s important to think of others and try to help as much as we can.
Dave made a smart choice for his family when he set up a college savings plan for Sierra. This plan had a life insurance benefit that saved us from having to move out of our home…the only home Sierra knows. I am so grateful that we are able to continue living in our home. I decided then that I wanted to help others as well and “paying it forward” had actually become part of my healing process.
This is my first post in a new category called “Helping Others”. I decided to add this to my blog because Dave helped so many people while he was around and I would like to continue his goodwill and try to help others who are dealing with a loss and/or those in need.
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We have all been dealing with financial difficulties in the last several years. I don’t know of anyone that has not been affected by the recession. However, there are people who have been struggling more than others and this is a story that I need to tell about a family that Sierra and I have been helping since 2007.
Meet the Askey Family from Pennsylvania.
Kim and Teddy and their dog Weewee (Tom taking pic)
I met Kim, Tom, and Teddy through a website where individuals could borrow from or lend money to other individuals. I was the group leader of a lending group that I started called, Heaven Cent. Kim contacted me to help her with a listing she had created for a wheelchair ramp for their son Teddy who has Cerebral Palsy. With help from a local Community Action group and a re-listing under my group, they were able to build the wheelchair ramp. However, their story of struggle continues…….
Family home before and with Teddy's wheelchair ramp
On the morning of December 27, 2011, I woke up and as I do every morning, I reached for my phone and checked my emails. There was one from Kim.
In her email Kim explained that she went to Teddy’s room to get him up and ready for the day and she noticed that his bed was wet. Initially she thought that he had wet the bed, but then learned that his adult diaper was actually dry. So why was Teddy soaked from head to toe?! She looked up in horror as she learned their ceiling had been leaking all night right above Teddy’s bed and onto him. Teddy cannot speak due to his medical condition and was not able to let his parents know what was happening throughout the night. This was just the latest in a series of unfortunate events for the family.
Kim and Tom
Kim and I have been corresponding via email and phone since June 2007. This is a family that I chose to help beyond the lending website as their story is one of incredible struggle.
Tom had to take an early retirement in April 2001 after a heart attack. It was then that his doctor told him that he also had diabetes and degenerative arthritis. After 30 years with the same company, his early retirement caused his pension to be cut by 80%. In addition, we all know what happens with social security when early retirement is taken…benefits are reduced there as well.
Kim is not in the best of health, but doing her best to take care of her family. She has a condition called Hammer Toe (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hammer_toe) and has had several unsuccessful surgeries and continues to suffer from the deformity. She suffers from migraines that are so bad that she has ended up in the emergency room. Kim also has CMT, Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease, a neurological disorder she explained causes her hands to go numb. (More about it here: http://www.mda.org/disease/cmt.html). She tries her best to hide the scars from the “cage” inserted in the back of her neck for her degenerative disc disease. In addition, she just learned she has osteoarthritis in her back. Her doctor has ordered her to refrain from heavy lifting, but part of caring for Teddy includes lifting him in and out of his wheelchair every day. Lifting Teddy is something Kim says she will continue to do, until she can physically no longer do it.
And then there’s Teddy.
Teddy is 25 years old and was not expected to live this long. He has been in a wheelchair his whole life. A mild cold for him usually leads to pneumonia. He wears adult diapers and requires 24 hour care. He can’t speak. He can’t walk. However he is able to feel when his mother is dealing with unbearable stress and is able to erase at least some of through his smile. My written words cannot come close to conveying the love and connection between Kim and her son. Therefore, we have put together an audio recording of Kim expressing her feelings about Teddy in her own words:
On December 22 of this year, three days before Christmas, I got an email from Kim to say that they went to a food pantry who was helping families with food for Christmas dinner. They had received some assistance for food in the past, however, were turned down this time because they were just over the income limit, which is very low. In addition Tom had been off his diabetes medication for four days because they weren’t able to afford it and he had started feeling the effects of being off the meds. This is just the recent part of their hardship…
There is much to tell about this family and their difficulties over the years, but here are some of the things that have happened in the past few years.
In April 2010, both their refrigerator and washer broke down….on the same day. They could only afford a used fridge and washer. A year later, the used fridge they bought broke down and all the food spoiled. Then the washer broke down and needed new parts.
They have one car and have been dealing with car issues for years and that continues.
Photo Kim sent of Teddy w/ Jake who died this year from cancer
Two of their dogs died this past year. One was a dog that Kim rescued from the animal shelter in 2005. He was going to be put to sleep as no one was interested in adopting him. Kim took him home and saved him. They actually changed his name to Jake, but his original name was actually the same as their son, Teddy. Jake died in May of this year from a tumor on his spine. Bridgette died four months later from a tumor on her spleen.
Kim does not have health coverage and their health conditions are only getting worse. Despite her medical issues Kim has considered getting a part time job, but was told her earned income would not only reduce the Social Security disability benefits they receive for Teddy, but also that Teddy would lose his Medicare benefits. What a great system huh?!
They live in Pennsylvania where winters can be very harsh with extremely cold temperatures. The family can barely afford heating costs.
Their ceiling is now leaking in five different places in their home and they are hoping and praying that the roof won’t cave in on them one day due to ice build up.
This is a family that lives a very simple life. A family that doesn’t want to ask for more than they need if even that much. A family who continues to endure hardships and despite their situation has and will continue to Pay it Forward by helping others, both animals and people.
This family is hesitant to ask for help, so I’m asking for them. I’ve asked the family to set up a donation account and Kim handled it, but did not want to ask for too much, so the amount they posted doesn’t really cover even close to what they need (especially with roof repair, a car, appliances, etc.). Any help would be greatly appreciated. Here is the link: http://gofundme.com/A-little-help-needed
Thanks for taking the time to read about Kim, Tom and Teddy and for any help in sharing their story thru email, thru Facebook, Twitter and other any means. Also feel free to leave a comment or a note for them below or you may also send an an email to: sendinghelp@gmail.com
It was a week before Christmas in 2006. This would be our first Christmas without Dave. The post office had just delivered a box from Dave’s sister, Mo, that I was about to open. I was on the phone with my sister, Terri, chatting away as I used a pair of scissors to cut open the tape and pull open the box flaps.
“Eeeeouuw! What is THIS?! I can’t believe Mo actually bought this!”, I said to my sister on the phone. It was a silver tinsel tree!! Not a very attractive tree and definitely not one I would have picked to display in our home. I thought it was so weird that she bought us this ugly silver tinsel tree! Then, I saw the note. The note I failed to notice because I was busy talking on the phone. The note was written with a black marker on the outside of the box. It said, “Do not open until you get the small box!” Oops!
Dave’s nephew Michael 2008
The small box was delivered separately the next day so I had to wait until the next day to find out about this “lovely” silver tinsel tree. There was a note on the outside of the small box that said, “Open this box before the large box”. Ummmm….LOL!
Inside the small box was a photo Christmas card of our nephew Michael, who at the time had Farrah Fawcett hair. (Sorry Michael…just couldn’t help myself) Inside the card, Mo had written about her idea for a special Christmas tree. And what a wonderful idea it was!
In years past, a silver tinsel tree was what Dave’s grandmother had put up during Christmas for all the grandkids to enjoy. Mo picked up trees for her parents, brother Jimmie, and sisters Cathy and Maryellen in remembrance of Dave. To make it extra special Mo included ornaments for our new David Tree…butterfly ornaments! How cool! We started off with 38 butterflies, for Dave’s age. Each year we add another butterfly to the David Tree. I’ve actually changed things up a little bit and added an extra butterfly so that we could also celebrate Dave’s birthday on January 4th with the number of butterflies for the age he would have been.
I’m not sure I’ll continue putting up a big Christmas tree or going all out in decorating every year. It’s a lot of work and Sierra is growing up so the need or motivation to keep the house “Christmassy” is sort of fading. I do know, however, that the David Tree has become a Castles Family’s holiday tradition and that is one I will continue to carry out with pleasure. I love my David Tree and I think it’s the most beautiful tree, the most special tree ever!
This year we are adding butterfly #44. Merry Christmas Dave and Happy Birthday soon!
I will be posting on a regular basis so please feel free to come back again. I’ll be writing about life with Dave, what happened when he died, my experience in dealing with losing him, and how I managed both my grief and Sierra’s. I’ll also include many of the things that happened after he died…experiences that caused me to re-evaluate my non-existent spiritual beliefs.
Happy Holidays!! See if you can find the 7 hidden references to Dave in the main photo
This last time I put together a Christmas card was in 2006, the year Dave died. Five years later, I decided it was time to do another. I also wanted to make it fun and special so I hid 7 references to Dave in the main photo. See if you can find them first before checking out the answers below.
1. Teddy Bear: A gift Dave gave Sierra for her 1st birthday in October 2001. We call him “Daddy Bear”.
2. The #11 has special meaning to us. Not only was it Dave’s “final number”, but it also appears quite often in our every day lives. Find the #11 on Daddy Bear’s left hand.
3. The #11 is also located on my right knee.
4. DC for Dave Castles is hidden on Sierra’s Santa hat.
5. DC is also hidden on the bottom half of Sierra’s top.
6. Have you heard the phrase “Pennies from Heaven”? We find pennies everywhere and have many cool stories about them. There is one included in this pic. Try to find this one on your own.
7. This one is probably the toughest…should I tell you? Ok I will. They are my wedding rings on a chain…a gift of love to be passed on in time….
Hope you enjoyed our little holiday card game. Merry Christmas and may 2012 bring peace and happiness to all!
A volleyball in flight as Dave plays and the sun sets at Kamaole Beach, Maui
“It’s kismet!” is what Dave said on our wedding day and any other day when asked about how and when he and I had met. I can still picture the look and smile he would give me after that answer. Then, he would proceed to tell “his” account of how I saw him playing beach volleyball and how I fell in love with him at first sight. He’s told that story a thousand times! Of course, I would then have to explain what really happened….
It was 1995 and Dave was on a break from the long hours and stress as general sales manager for a car dealership in New Hampshire. He and his friend, Eric Brooks, decided they would visit Maui for the first time and hang out for a few months. Eric signed up for classes at Maui Community College and also found a part time job in Kihei. Dave on the other hand, spent every day at Kamaole Beach I and the beach volleyball court there became his second home.
I had left my job as office manager at a Maui radio station and was on an extended break. My friend, Renee Akiona Ostrem, was a beach volleyball player and often played at Kamaole Beach. One Saturday afternoon, I decided to stop by and visit Renee while she played volleyball. I stayed for about an hour and left. The next day, I stopped by Renee’s apartment and she said a guy who’s visiting from the East Coast asked about me. She handed me a little piece of paper with “Dave” scribbled on it and his phone number. Although, Renee said he was “cute”, I was not in the habit of calling guys I didn’t know, so I decided to pass on the phone call.
The following weekend, Renee invited me to the beach to hang out and watch volleyball and possibly meet Dave. I was a bit reluctant as I wasn’t really interested in getting involved with anyone. After some thought, I decided to stop by for a short while. I watched a few great volleyball games, tanned on the beach and had a fun time with my friends.
Halfway through my time there at Kam I, Renee introduced me to Dave Castles. He said he was semi-retired, from the Boston area and on Maui for a six month stay. I remember thinking…”semi-retired?! What does that mean?” He was cute as Renee had described, but he seemed a little a bit of a “wise guy” and his confidence shone brighter than the Maui sun. He was also very entertaining, had a great sense of humor and I could sense the good-natured soul within him. The other half of my beach time was spent with Dave, chatting and joking. We talked for hours about our lives and past experiences. Our connection was instant. From that day forward for the next 5 months, we spent every moment we could together, until his vacation was over and he had to return home.
Hereafter – a life or existence after death; the future beyond mortal existence.
Everyone has different beliefs. My beliefs changed and evolved into what they are today after a life altering event. A David Story is my story about David Castles, his life, death, and hereafter……
